My Pascha expectations, as a new convert:
Mostly, I hoped that I would "Experience" it as strongly/intensely/spiritually as I was supposed to. Sigh.
What actually happened:
I should have napped Saturday afternoon instead of making Kulich. The service started off beautifully and I was in awe. I felt, there is no better way to sink into our thick skulls that Christ is Risen than to sing it one-thousand times! A blessed time.
But then... I started to crack. After St. John Chrysotom's sermon, I thought things were winding up. It was the moment the priest chanted "Blessed is the Kingdom" that I realized there was an entire Divine Liturgy to go. I whispered to my Godmother, the service is how much longer? I started to cry. I wasn't going to make it as a good, faithful Orthodox person. I wasn't even going to make it that morning, standing up much longer, which a Subdeacon noticed. He gestured toward the bench. But I wasn't infirm - or pregnant! I was supposed to be strong! I crumbled to the bench in failure.
I laugh now, looking back.
I hardly have such high expectations these days that I'm more aware of my sin.
I've always been a people-pleaser and wanted to look good & right. My challenge is to try to care more about actually being good, before God.
Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
For any upcoming converts out there - it is a marathon, not a sprint. Take a nap on Saturday!
I am not a convert but a cradle and I have years where I put too high of expectations on myself, Pascha, everything, too! I like what you said about it being a marathon and not a sprint. And it is ok to sit down sometimes:)
ReplyDeleteThis is my first Pascha...I have no idea what to expect... I have to work on Saturday until 6pm, then I plan to go home and nap until 10pm.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post!
LOL. Great post, I am a cradle Orthodox and I nap too trust me! Glory to God! Have a blessed Pascha!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, napping is very important, but I find it hard to nap in anticipation of something, because I'm not tired then ;)
ReplyDeleteHowever, it is also ok to sit down, and I have actually just sat on the floor during Pascha because the benches were full.